


It's Like Christmas Up In Here

by Sifl



Series: It's Like Christmas Up In Here [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Christmas, Dave's rambling metaphors, F/M, Sick fires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-06 17:16:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sifl/pseuds/Sifl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose and Dave have a little talk about John's upcoming Christmas party. Of course, Rose uses this opportunity to pick at her brother's psyche.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Like Christmas Up In Here

**Author's Note:**

> Everybody's about twenty here. :) Just FYI. Also, how do I colorize pesterlogs????

-tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]-

TT: Strider, this is what is going to transpire if you refuse the invite: John and Jade will bequeath upon you the look and you will ultimately surrender your dignity and ever-prized coolness to them in a rushed manner most ill befitting for one of your position.

TG: no way  
TG: i might surrender my shades or whatever through some divine intervention of the coolkid gods but never my innate coolness  
TG: that would be impossible  
TG: striders are made of cool  
TG: we are the cool all of it

TT: So you have said on many occasions. However, that does not change the inevitable outcome of Egbert-Harley-Strider-Lalonde shenanigans.

TG: okay yeah sure whatever you never even told me what the hell you were talking about specifically  
TG: i mean jegus you start throwing around terms like transpire like this is some kind of predestined tomfoolery that i am way too over to deal with  
TG: shit were all way too over predestined shit

TT: I did not mean to release a font of unpleasant memories. I apologize.

TG: naw whatever its cool like i said im over it

TT: No, you most certainly are not. Please don't be an even bigger ass than usual and try to downplay that.

TG: whatever we can still joke about it im not going to break or drown in mopey flashback sorrow shit  
TG: laughter is the best medicine right

TT: Well, now that you have established that, do you know how impressed I am to take note of how you have expanded your vocabulary to include words longer than four letters when describing obscure and hopelessly convoluted occurrences?

TG: yep that tomfoolery inclusion was just for you  
TG: but I got plenty of word whoppers yo i am a word smith  
TG: thats like will smith except way more fresh and way more prince  
TG: words be pourin out of these regal lips like diamonds pour from africa  
TG: little princess and her father should have invested in my wordmines because damn i produce and it don't stop  
TG: that coal or carbon or whatever keeps on being shoveled right in and I keep compressing it and refining it so it can shine on  
TG: i perfect the english language with the power of the forge of the true force of coolkid from within  
TG: i am the forge its me

TT: I must agree in the sense that you certainly seem to be ignited by someone.

TG: what

TT: I've strayed too far from the topic at hand. I came to relay John's invitation.

TG: that can wait keep straying I want to see this new development

TT: Strider, don't you think it would be prudent to drop the witty banter and ask why I contacted you in the first place?

TG: no  
TG: not when you decide to lay down some obtuse reference to game forges and my person after you decide i am not over said game  
TG: see im curious about that instead  
TG: broads like you don't drop shit like that out for the hell of it like the stork does babies or the enola gay does bombs  
TG: nah you got an agenda and you want to get my goat by trying to put some nagging thought in my head and have me dwell on it  
TG: and then try to ignore it and act all cool on it cause im always cool  
TG: being uncool is nigh unconscionable for me

TT: As you have repeatedly established.

TG: and then not mention it for like ever and then you leave it as a seed of unrest to grow in my poor and ironically young and impressionable as shit brain like a watermelon seed entering in my ear that grows off the sicknasty energy of my awesome thoughtwaves alone  
TG: until it busts my head open like one of its own fruitbabies on a japanese beach in summer and infects the world with my fly fuckin mind matter  
TG: so you can feed on the succulent red flesh of my actual melon and coolness infused metaphorical ear watermelon while you psychoanalyze the rind or some equally twisted shit  
TG: well you do not have my goat and its currently munching on your poorly lobbed watermelon seed of some destruction  
TG: i know your game sis and it aint happenin

TT: Darn. I had so been looking forward to that refreshing watermelon picnic.

TG: sorry no strider melon for you

TT: Unfortunate. Lamentable, even. Alas, my dear brother, this does not change the fact that John is hosting a Christmas party and you are invited.

TG: oh my gog  
TG: here we go changing the subject my goat is chomping on that watermelon seed as we speak cant you hear it noshing away  
TG: its useless rose give it up  
TG: give up the forge reference reveal your secret intent

TT: You know, the fact that you so doggedly pursue one little quip illustrates to me an image of a goat choking and ambling over to my side of the playing field rather than a goat masticating at your side.

TG: whoa you have branched out of wizard porn and entered the realm of the furries ill tell harley and you can bond over it  
TG: i did not think you could get any freakier

TT: I said masticating, chumpass.

TG: but i know what you really meant

TT: Strider, that was baseless, jejune, and childish even by your standards.

TG: oh really  
TG: i thought it pretty fucking eloquently countered how you made a batshit reference to me as a forge to be ignited by someone  
TG: thats pretty baseless jejune and childish

TT: ….  
TT: You are not entirely facetious in your verbal lashings, methinks. I did not think I would get this much of a rise out of you for such a little insinuation.  
TT: This goes deeper than I previously thought. Or rather, it burns brighter.

TG: okay rose thats enough of that  
TG: what is egbert thinking putting all of us in one room for a holiday shindig  
TG: he only needs me to make it a party  
TG: and i dont even need him  
TG: i am like a one man fiesta ole ole why would i bust my ass and leave this fucking awesome eternal celebration i have here where i am  
TG: its like new york on new years up in here except without a douchenozzle announcer and no brainless bimbo singing pop shit  
TG: its all sick jams and ill beats all the time

TT: David, the extremes to which you've taken absconding from my earlier "baseless, jejune, and childish" remark after pursuing it yourself is…  
TT: …admittedly, very endearing. Not only that, it alerts me that you have obviously planted your own ideas of how much my friendly teasing implied, which had not been my intention.

TG: yeah right im sure you are just knitting gogdamned tapestries out of this yarn you are spinning with your spooky ass black magic needles

TT: Strider, it is you who has planted the flax seed of your imminent psychoanalysis doom, not I.  
TT: The resulting fruit of the loom and my needles is indeed sweeter than any watermelon, I might add. Or are you supplying me with all this plush yarn in a gesture of irony?  
TT: Not that it makes any difference as the word loses all meaning when you are through with it.

TG: fuck that noise  
TG: so what did your ironically unironic work of art net you when you cashed it in for strider psychecash

TT: To use your phrase, "a goddamned killing", actually.

TG: yeah right  
TG: they dont let that much out of the brain bank of dave strider at one time  
TG: it would corrupt all you plebes to have that much of it at once

TT: Consider me as crooked as you are, Strider.

TG: whatever all your stridermonies are counterfeit  
TG: you aint got shit

TT: Regardess, I am sending you the information regarding John's gala affair via email, so be sure to check it shortly.

TG: im checking it now  
TG: i might feel enough pity on you poor impoverished people  
TG: who are so desperate they call their monopoly money legit strider swagbucks so they can pretend to have some sense of worth even if its only through monetary means  
TG: to grace you with my presence for a night

TT: We will all be sure to bow down to you and kiss your feet for being so gracious to interact with us in our lowly poverty.  
TT: We might even offer up our finest maiden as a futile gesture of gratitude.

TG: nah i got bitches coming out of my ears when psychobabble aint trapping them in  
TG: thats why i get headaches listening to you nak about shit  
TG: the ladies just pile up in there and clog it up  
TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without the fucking zombie apocalypse happening except with hot babes as the undead and dave strider as the last human  
TG: you will be restraining your maiden rather than offering her

TT: Too bad. Jade would have looked quite cute, I must say, wrapped like a present and sitting beneath the tree.  
TT: Yet in light of the dilemma you have presented, we may settle for chaining her to something much sturdier- like a bedpost- so we do not chance losing track of her in your hoard of zombie women.  
TT: I suppose we can let her keep the bow on her head, though. She would relish that extra holiday touch.

TG: that is just wrong

TT: Oh?

TG: rose that is sick  
TG: i mean really she is one of our best friends and johns sister for fucks sake

TT: Do you mean for fucking's sake?

TG: oh my god  
TG: why would you even  
TG: you know what lets not even go there  
TG: you are sick  
TG: enough said

TT: David, I just want you to know that I find your ingratiating defensive denial very touching.

TG: what the fuck rose

TT: I also feel I should share with you that Jade has been looking over my shoulder for the entire conversation and was actually the one to suggest the Christmas bondage.

TG: WHAT  
TG: you are shitting me  
TG: you are fucking kidding  
TG: rose this is not cool  
TG: I mean that in the most unironic way possible

TT: I am not joking, dear brother.

TG: OH MY GOD  
TG: YES YOU ARE

TT: Alright, I fold if only because that sinister capslock whispers to me just how far I've gone.  
TT: This ruse has gone on long enough. I admit I was fibbing.  
TT: She is not privy to our conversation.  
TT: But in my defense, my darling brother, it is very amusing to watch you drop that coolkid act "like it's hot", as one of your peabrained idols has put it.  
TT: Truly, it is futile to deny secrets to me any longer.  
TT: Dave?  
TT: Dave, are you there?

-turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!-

TT: My, so worked up that you neglected to log out. I believe this means that I have won.  
TT: Honestly, I never thought it would ever be this easy or bittersweet.  
TT: As for today's entry in the Dave Strider mental health log, no unusual developments have come about.  
TT: The developments are to be expected in and of themselves, but they are simply a tad surprising to me in their intensity. It seems that "sick fire" in your forge consumes you rather than remains a constant beacon of the obvious.  
TT: I did not fully understand how passionate of a heart my little brother had before the game nor did I fathom precisely how much it really affects him in matters both in and outside of it.  
TT: Dave, for the love of all things good, please be careful that you do not smother yourself in an effort to hide.

-tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -

Dave did indeed attend the Christmas celebration John had set up ("I need you guys to eat this fruitcake and whatever else my dad bakes up, okay? I can hardly walk in the house without landing myself waist-deep in baked goods at this time of year!") and he even wore a Christmas sweater complete with an (ironic) illustration of A Muppet Christmas done in thread just for the occasion.

He lost his cool only once when Jade greeted him at the door.

When John gave him a ribbing about it Dave said that his spluttering and removal of Jade's arms from his person was because he felt he owed it to the host to get the first fistbunp or brohug or whatever passed for a hello in the northwest during cold-as-fuck December.

Rose only smiled and offered to adjust the enormous bow Jade wore on top of her head- it had been meant for a last-minute wrapping job on her brother's second gift (December birthdays are always a hassle), but she had put it on her friend (for safekeeping, of course) and forgotten to take it off.

"I personally think it suits Jade better than the package I wrapped for you," she said to him.

Jade laughed, oblivious, and led them all back into the living room. "I don't know about that. What do you think, Dave?"

He muttered some stupid reply as she distractedly lit the fireplace to warm up the room and sat down by him.

He had lost his cool only once, but he could see in Rose's eyes that he was not going to get it back.


End file.
